De-Fill...Un-Fill

I have been reading a lot of blogs lately to try and catch up and noticed at Jen - plus many others - had posted a very helpful graph on their blogs describing the Red, Green and Yellow zones.  If I am to answer the questions honestly, I would have to say that I am definitely too full.  And, like Jen, I have a huge fear of getting a de-fill and gaining weight.  On the other hand, I am not losing any weight right now so what do I have to lose, right?  Anything has to be better than sliming 70% of the time.  I just never know what is going to go down and what isn't even when I chew, chew, chew.  So, I have decided that this is probably the best course of action.  I want all those pre-band promises fulfilled.  The if-you-eat-right-you-will-be-satiated promise.  The no-more-cravings-between-meals promise.  The problem today is that half the time I try to eat protein like chicken - or even tuna salad - I am in spitting, sliming hell.  This makes me turn to the easy sliders for comfort and satiation.  Not good.  Especially when I am in the mood to comfort myself with food anyway.

Given this little analysis, I called my doctor's office today to make an appt. with the wonderful Fill Whisperer, Dawn, for an un-fill/de-fill (whatever we are calling it).  And what do I find out????  She has left the practice!  Taken a job in Aspen (I am assuming to be with the new boyfriend).  HORRORS!!!!  I love Dawn!  I have a relationship with Dawn.  She is the only one who has ever done a fill on me.  I have never developed a relationship with my surgeon outside of the operating room.  He's a nice guy, but he doesn't like doing fills and my understanding is that he is not very good at it.  Now, I know he will be taking fluid out - he can't f*** that up too much, but what about long term?  What if I don't like Dawn's replacement (who is supposed to start in August)?  Bloody hell!  Can my week... month... year... get any better????  Can SOMETHING not change right now??  And I know, I probably sound like a whiny, high maintenance bore right about now (I feel like it).  It seems like all I can blog about is how shitty things are.  I need out of this funk.  I am not a complainer by nature.  I am just completely overwhelmed right now.  I need affirmations, or meditation, or a huge cocktail.  I know that all this too shall pass.  I just wish it would be sooner rather than later.

On a slightly happier note, I picked my dog up from the hospital this afternoon.  I had to take her to emergency last night because she didn't seem able to breath and she fainted again (which really freaks me out).  Turns out she has chronic lung disease and some heart issues caused by that.  BUT, the good news is that it is treatable with long term, permanent medications (which will only cost me roughly $100 month).  She appears to be a good candidate and it is possible that I will be able to have her around for a good while longer as long as she responds well to the meds.  So, there is that.  I have my baby and I don't have to think about her going anywhere for a while.

So, wish me luck with the de-fill.  My appt. is tomorrow afternoon.  Perhaps I will get some relief and be able to start eating like a somewhat normal person again.

Thanks for listening to the rants.  I promise, it will get better.

Stress, stress and more stress

What's a girl to do?  After losing my beloved golden retriever last month, it looks like my sweet maltipoo, Lily, is sick.  Her breathing has been labored the last few days and it seems as though she fainted a couple of days ago.  The joy and the pain of having a small dog is that they seem like puppies forever.  So, although she is 13 now, I can only think of her as my "baby".  I am just not sure how I will handle one more piece of bad news at this point.  I already feeling like I am drowning in a sea of change.  Each morning I get up and promise myself I will do better today.  I will be stronger today.  More focused.  I will adhere to the rules of the band (yeah, right).  I will work out (uh huh). And I will pack a few more boxes (only if I am very lucky.)  I just can't seem to pull myself out of this rut of depression and inaction.  I feel like I have turned into a very large ostrich with it's head buried in the sand.  I just can't seem to move and now the possibility that my sweet girl is sick is almost too much to bare.

So, I have an appt. with the vet this afternoon.  I am trying not to get ahead of myself and predict the worst.  Sometimes it is the not knowing that drives me the craziest.  Hopefully, it is something minor - the heat, allergies, something treatable...  I have to hope for the best because the alternative is too much to consider.

My baby:

Blog Issues

I think the blog gods must be mad since I was gone so long.  For some reason, even after I sign in to my blog, I do not get the design, etc. buttons at the top or the editing buttons next to each of my boxes.  I also can't see my followers and I can't seem to see anyone elses (or their option to be followed).  What the heck am I doing wrong.  Just one more frustration in to add to the list.

I have also decided to change the name of my blog - but not change the link since I don't want to lose my followers (is that terribly vain?).  I just hate the idea of completely starting over but I do like the idea of a new name to go with the new me.  Plus, how many of us titled our blogs "This one time at band camp?"  I thought I was being so clever and pithy when I picked it only to discover that I wasn't the only one that liked the American Pie movies.  But now I feel I am entering a new stage of my life.  I am trying to find me after so many years of stifling my feelings and desires because they did not comport with those of my spouse.  I am on a quest to rediscover myself.  Relearn the things that will make me happy.  And, hopefully, become a healthier (both physically and mentally), happier person.

Now if I could just figure out while my blog doesn't work the way it used to!  Sheesh!

Happy humpday everyone!

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack - Kind of

Hello Fellow Banders (if there is anyone still out there following me)

I am so sorry for my prolonged absence.  I do need to get back to blogging for my own sanity and to stay honest about my journey.  I have been very, very bad.  But life sort of got in the way.  Since last I posted, I have:

• filed for divorce (will be final the end of August)
• found a new house that I will be closing on Aug. 3rd
• been packing and preparing to move
• lost my 15 yr. old golden retriever (the sweetest dog in the world) who passed away
• not been following the band rules or working out
• not been blogging or even reading blogs

In short, I've been a bit of a mess.  But I am finally starting to pull out and am starting to set some goals to get back on track and try to get me back.  I feel like I have been living in a fog for the last 7 years, and now is the time to rediscover myself and the things I want to do with my life.

So, my goals are:

• close on the house
• move and unpack
• start a regular exercise routine
• complete a 5 day pouch test (after the move)
• re-commit to following the band eating rules
• join Weight Watchers for some moral support
• start blogging again on a regular basis

That's the plan.  Wish me luck.  I'm gonna need it :-)

I'm Still Here

And I'm still stuck.  I reached the magic 199 and stalled out.  I think it might have to do with some upheaval in my life.  Things have not been good for a while and my husband and I are talking about the "D" word.  Something needs to change, I'm just not sure what and when.  Needless to say, it makes it very hard to concentrate on doing the things I need to do for myself.  I need to get unstuck.  I need to move forward.  I need to start to take care of me again.  I need... a lot, I guess.

OMG! I'm tight!

Not sure if this is the result of the 5 Day Pouch Test but I am so tight I can barely eat solids.  This was not my problem a week ago.  Yesterday I went to brunch with a dear friend and after a few bites ended up in the bathroom sliming and hurling (I know - TMI).  It is hugely embarassing.  This friend does not know about my surgery and I am starting to run out of convincing excuses for major swaths of time being spent in the loo.  Today, my lunch does not want to go down.  The frustrating thing is that if I cannot eat anything healthy, I start to look for sliders later to get something down.  I guess I am just going to have to replace the unhealthy sliders with healthy ones like yogurt and cottage cheese.  Some days this band is so frustrating!

On another note, I have been thinking a lot lately about why it seems so much harder to lose weight in my 40s than it was in my 20s and 30s.  Other than my lovely perimenopausal self, I have some theorys and plan to write a blog about it soon.  So, stay tuned.  (That is if there is still anyone out there interested in my rantings ;-)

Days 3-5, Still Stuck but Feeling Like I am Starting to Move Again

Well, I finally finished the 5 Day Pouch Test.  I think that days 3 and 4 were the hardest.  Oh hell, they all sucked.  Detoxing off of sugar is the worst, but it was a necessary evil.  I was not completely on task all days.  I did eat some almonds and pistachios on day 3 and 4.  I was just craving chocolate so badly I figured that if I was going to cheat, I should go for protein.  All in all, I do find that my cravings for chocolate have subsided significantly.  I am also feeling more in touch with my band.  I am eating more slowly and thoughtfully.  It is hard to tell if my band feels "tighter" but I am feeling more of a sensation of fullness after eating a small amount of food.  I do not think though that I am at my sweet spot yet.  I have an appointment in mid-April for a fill and I think I will be ready then.  Until then, I am committed to eating mindfully and slowly.

I just updated my ticker for this first time since mid-January.  Sadly, I have only lost .2 (that is point 2) pounds since then.  Even the 5 Day Pouch test does not seem to have cured my plateau.  However, I am feeling hopeful that this will jump start my efforts.  I am bound and determined to lose 40 lbs before my girl's trip to Brazil in October.

I am also really looking forward to BOOBs in Chicago.