Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I have been reading a lot of blogs lately to try and catch up and noticed at Jen - plus many others - had posted a very helpful graph on their blogs describing the Red, Green and Yellow zones.  If I am to answer the questions honestly, I would have to say that I am definitely too full.  And, like Jen, I have a huge fear of getting a de-fill and gaining weight.  On the other hand, I am not losing any weight right now so what do I have to lose, right?  Anything has to be better than sliming 70% of the time.  I just never know what is going to go down and what isn't even when I chew, chew, chew.  So, I have decided that this is probably the best course of action.  I want all those pre-band promises fulfilled.  The if-you-eat-right-you-will-be-satiated promise.  The no-more-cravings-between-meals promise.  The problem today is that half the time I try to eat protein like chicken - or even tuna salad - I am in spitting, sliming hell.  This makes me turn to the easy sliders for comfort and satiation.  Not good.  Especially when I am in the mood to comfort myself with food anyway.

Given this little analysis, I called my doctor's office today to make an appt. with the wonderful Fill Whisperer, Dawn, for an un-fill/de-fill (whatever we are calling it).  And what do I find out????  She has left the practice!  Taken a job in Aspen (I am assuming to be with the new boyfriend).  HORRORS!!!!  I love Dawn!  I have a relationship with Dawn.  She is the only one who has ever done a fill on me.  I have never developed a relationship with my surgeon outside of the operating room.  He's a nice guy, but he doesn't like doing fills and my understanding is that he is not very good at it.  Now, I know he will be taking fluid out - he can't f*** that up too much, but what about long term?  What if I don't like Dawn's replacement (who is supposed to start in August)?  Bloody hell!  Can my week... month... year... get any better????  Can SOMETHING not change right now??  And I know, I probably sound like a whiny, high maintenance bore right about now (I feel like it).  It seems like all I can blog about is how shitty things are.  I need out of this funk.  I am not a complainer by nature.  I am just completely overwhelmed right now.  I need affirmations, or meditation, or a huge cocktail.  I know that all this too shall pass.  I just wish it would be sooner rather than later.

On a slightly happier note, I picked my dog up from the hospital this afternoon.  I had to take her to emergency last night because she didn't seem able to breath and she fainted again (which really freaks me out).  Turns out she has chronic lung disease and some heart issues caused by that.  BUT, the good news is that it is treatable with long term, permanent medications (which will only cost me roughly $100 month).  She appears to be a good candidate and it is possible that I will be able to have her around for a good while longer as long as she responds well to the meds.  So, there is that.  I have my baby and I don't have to think about her going anywhere for a while.

So, wish me luck with the de-fill.  My appt. is tomorrow afternoon.  Perhaps I will get some relief and be able to start eating like a somewhat normal person again.

Thanks for listening to the rants.  I promise, it will get better.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Stress, stress and more stress

What's a girl to do?  After losing my beloved golden retriever last month, it looks like my sweet maltipoo, Lily, is sick.  Her breathing has been labored the last few days and it seems as though she fainted a couple of days ago.  The joy and the pain of having a small dog is that they seem like puppies forever.  So, although she is 13 now, I can only think of her as my "baby".  I am just not sure how I will handle one more piece of bad news at this point.  I already feeling like I am drowning in a sea of change.  Each morning I get up and promise myself I will do better today.  I will be stronger today.  More focused.  I will adhere to the rules of the band (yeah, right).  I will work out (uh huh). And I will pack a few more boxes (only if I am very lucky.)  I just can't seem to pull myself out of this rut of depression and inaction.  I feel like I have turned into a very large ostrich with it's head buried in the sand.  I just can't seem to move and now the possibility that my sweet girl is sick is almost too much to bare.

So, I have an appt. with the vet this afternoon.  I am trying not to get ahead of myself and predict the worst.  Sometimes it is the not knowing that drives me the craziest.  Hopefully, it is something minor - the heat, allergies, something treatable...  I have to hope for the best because the alternative is too much to consider.

My baby: