Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Scared

It's been 10 days since I had surgery.  Things seem to be healing well and I am starting to get into the groove of eating small portions and protein first.  I have been out to a couple of restaurants and aside from temporarily forgetting not to use a straw or drink with my meal, I have done OK.  The only thing is...once in a while I think to myself, "What have I done?"  I'll think of going out and splitting a pizza with a friend or getting a huge pile of hot wings at this fun biker bar in Denver and think, "Well, I can't do that anymore."  and panic a little bit.  And then I realize, my food addiction is HUGE.  I love food.  I am hopelessly addicted to food.  I need to find some way - on top of this tool that I now have - to deal with my addiction.

My father was an alcoholic.  My sister is an alcoholic.  And my little brother has battled drug addiction.  My family is no stranger to addiction.  It just seems that my older brother and I used food instead of drugs or alcohol to fuel our own addictions.  And, unlike alcohol or drugs, you can't just go cold turkey on food.  I got the band because I need assistance in battling my addiction.  But I also know that substance abuse - no matter what the substance - is a substitute for dealing with my underlying pain or issues.  Food masks the pain.  It makes me feel good.  I can stuff my emotions with food.  I can relieve my stress, or anger, or frustration, or boredom with food.  But food never cures the underlying problem.  And the terrifying thing is, I have been covering up the problems for so long, I am not even sure what they are about anymore.  And I am scared to uncover them.  Now, with the band, I don't think I am going to have any other option other than to try to address the issues that caused me to become addicted to food in the first place.  And that...is scary.

9 comments:

Jane said...

Libby,

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I completely understand what you're saying about addiction. Those first steps you have taken to deal with food addiction are so brave. I have known some people who have had surgery to address food issues, and they have found support in counseling or in a 12-step food program. I'm not saying that is what you need--just what others have done. I struggle with food addiction, as well, and I have come to the conclusion that I also need some extra support. My best to you...take care.

Maybe This Time said...

alright-i don't say this lightly-cause im not a big fan either...but therapy may help you. and i am speaking as a food addict too. i had a major round of therapy this summer...with grief counseling to boot. it was brutal. but i dont regret it. its not an overnight fix but a starting place to deal with those issues. i also get that "urge" to stuff myself silly too since ive been banded (7 days ago). i just want my ol friend food back...but she's gotta go...i have a real life to live and it doesn't include her sabotaging it. so good luck...this is hard work! but i believe in you.

THE DASH! said...

Hello there!
So nice to see a new face as a follower.
Reading through what you are going through - the gas pain, etc etc I still remember it all so clearly and its been over a year for me.
You stick with what the docs tell you and use us girls as a sounding board every time you need it and you're going to do great. Look forward to reading more posts :)
Cara

Lynda said...

Oh gosh! I had that same "what have i done" moment at about the same time as you. I think it's akin to the stereotypical buyers' remorse. You've done this major thing to yourself and suddenly it gets overwhelming. I think a lot of us go through it--and we all get beyond it. Things ARE different, now. And, it IS scary. But it is not insurmountable and you'll be happier in the long run.

Nicole said...

these fears are normal, once you have a few fills and restriction for me ad least I didn't care about food anymore. We were all addicted to food. I tried changing my addiction to eating healthy and exercising and it worked! good luck hang in there..I would get the band over in a heart beat

Christine said...

You're in the right place. You're identifying your emotions on this, and that's terrific. You'll get there; I'm here for you. HUGS!

Justawallflower said...

Thanks for following! I am so happy to be following your journey from the beginning since I am going to be there in (hopefully) a couple weeks! The worst part of food addiction is that you still need food to live, so unlike drug or alcohol addiction, where you kick it by completely getting it out of your life, you still need food. There is no putting it behind you, but you need to find a new mind space and way of looking at it. I know, sounds easy right? when you find what works for you, please let me know! Best of luck! And happy be-lated birthday!

The Monkey and Me said...

Wow. You're right it is scary. But you are very brave for having done this to help you take it head on. You can and will conquer this.

Gen said...

What Nicole said is so key. The really amazing thing about the band is the way it takes away most of our obsession with food. It just goes away, for the most part. (We all still have our moments). But once food loses some of its appeal, the compulsion to eat goes away, and that is the best thing ever!

Also, you can still eat most everything, just smaller amounts! So the wings and pizza are not necessarily out of the question forever.

The hard part is getting to the point where food is not such a big deal. It will take a couple of fills. Until then, just do your best. You are doing great so far!