It's been 10 days since I had surgery. Things seem to be healing well and I am starting to get into the groove of eating small portions and protein first. I have been out to a couple of restaurants and aside from temporarily forgetting not to use a straw or drink with my meal, I have done OK. The only thing is...once in a while I think to myself, "What have I done?" I'll think of going out and splitting a pizza with a friend or getting a huge pile of hot wings at this fun biker bar in Denver and think, "Well, I can't do that anymore." and panic a little bit. And then I realize, my food addiction is HUGE. I love food. I am hopelessly addicted to food. I need to find some way - on top of this tool that I now have - to deal with my addiction.
My father was an alcoholic. My sister is an alcoholic. And my little brother has battled drug addiction. My family is no stranger to addiction. It just seems that my older brother and I used food instead of drugs or alcohol to fuel our own addictions. And, unlike alcohol or drugs, you can't just go cold turkey on food. I got the band because I need assistance in battling my addiction. But I also know that substance abuse - no matter what the substance - is a substitute for dealing with my underlying pain or issues. Food masks the pain. It makes me feel good. I can stuff my emotions with food. I can relieve my stress, or anger, or frustration, or boredom with food. But food never cures the underlying problem. And the terrifying thing is, I have been covering up the problems for so long, I am not even sure what they are about anymore. And I am scared to uncover them. Now, with the band, I don't think I am going to have any other option other than to try to address the issues that caused me to become addicted to food in the first place. And that...is scary.