Monday, December 13, 2010

Yep - I feel like a FRAUD!

So, I have been meaning to write this post for over a week now.  I have a confession to make.  I feel like such a fraud!  I am such a whoos (sp?) about telling anyone I had lapband surgery that I joined the new Weight Watchers at Work program to act as a cover for my weight loss.  That way (I figure) I don't have to explain myself to people when they start noticing my weight loss.  Is that just totally horrible?  I am not counting points - although the new point system does seem to reward healthier eating habits.  I am still working on following the basic tenents of banded eating:
  • Protien first, then veggies, then carbs (if there is room)
  • No liquids with meals and for 30 minutes after
  • 1 cup of food at each meal (that is still tough though getting better)
  • No snacking between meals (that is the really tough part!)
  • No drinking my calories (although I have been having a protien shake for breakfast most mornings as that is the easiest thing for me to do given my commute)
  • Eat slow, small bites, chew, chew, chew
  • etc.
I have only told a few people about my band - my husband, my mother and my best friend.  I wish I had the guts to be a huge advocate of the band and didn't mind telling everyone I had it, but I just started a new job.  I don't know these people.  I don't know how they would react.  Whether or not they will judge me or simply not understand.  I am envious of you guys out there that just don't care what anyone else thinks.  I know that one of my problems is that I let others perceptions of me effect me too much.  I was reading catherine55's blog the other day and she mentioned that she has a whole story cooked up to explain her surgical scars and port if she is not ready to divulge to someone that she has the band.  I am assuming that this is relatively common amongst us.  It is sad to me that WLS still carries such a stigma and that there are so many misunderstanding and/or judgements about it.  (It is almost as bad as the stigma attached to mental illness and depression.)  But I figure this is an intervention and tool I chose for myself after a lot of research and many years of yo-yo dieting.  But I also recognize this is a choice many people will not understand and may in fact ridicule.

So, yes, I have joined Weight Watchers for the 8th time (I think it is).  Only this time they are only my beard.  I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person.

Down only 2.3 lbs since my fill.  I am still trying to determine whether or not I need a bit of an unfill but I think I will stick it out til my next appt. Jan. 17th.  I think since I was pretty able to eat most anything and developed some bad post-surgery habits of still eating too fast and taking larger bites (cause I could) that my problem may not be being over-filled but more that I am just not eating correctly.  Really working on the thoughtful eating and trying to see if things work themselves out.

Glad to see everyone is getting into the holiday spirit (for the most part).  I am looking forward to my time off at the end of the year!


Silverhairedgoddess said...

I don't think there is anything wrong with not telling people that you have the lap band - I am doing the same thing! When we feel it is right, then we can do it. I am not embarrassed, just feel its no ones business but mine. that's why I started this blog so I could talk about it to people that are going thru the same experience as me and who understand why I did it!

When people ask what I am doing to loose the weight, I just tell them counting calories and exercising - which is true - just haven't explained that I have a secret weapon, ha ha !

Congrats on the 2.3 pound loss!

Rachel said...

You shouldn't feel any shame about that. I blogged about the same thing about a month back. For me, I told people who I knew who could honor and support my decision. I didn't need people to police me or second guess me. Its a hard life change/transition that has to do with your health.

I know a lot of bandsters join WW for regular accountability.

Don't feel shame...just pride in the fact that you are proactively working to improve your health. I think that is wonderful.

amandakiska said...

Great cover!

Darlin1 said...

Ditto---with silverhairedgoddess' response---I too say I am following WW-----weird!

Justawallflower said...

You need to do what ever you need to in order to be comfortable. I can definitely see the hesitancy with a new job. I am open with mine, but it is mainly because I am the world's worst liar! I kind of wish I wouldn't have told as many people at this point, before I have had any major success,especially those that are only co-workers, and not real close to me. Don't get me wrong, if they were to ask I would tell them, but I wish I wouldn't have voluntarily offered the info. I hate trying to live up to everyone's expectations, it's hard enough trying to live up to my own!

Read said...

I don't think you have a thing to feel badly about. It's your body and your decisions. You need to do whatever it is that makes you feel comfortable - I think it's a brilliant cover!

Linda said...

Don't feel bad - a lot of us choose to only tell people that we trust and who will support us. I only told family and a few friends - no one at work. It just opens up a lot of judgment and watching eyes. Someday you may choose to tell more people, but you need to do what is comfortable for you now.

Tina said...

I am a blabbermouth but don't even think I don't worry about what people think :) I tell them but I have gotten some discussion from people about how it doesn't work or how it is the easy way out. I have carefully worked on my responses in support of the band and do so for three reasons: 1. It is too much work to remember my cover. 2. It is too obvious that the amount I eat at any one time is way less than what most people eat. 3. I do hope that my sharing will help others around me who also might take advantage of the band to help them.

Bottom line though is you should only share what you feel comfortable with. You are more comfortable keeping it to yourself and you should honor those needs.


Lyla said...

Weight Watchers as a beard. . . too funny!

Don't judge yourself too harshly here; it's not a bad thing to not want people in your business over a health issue, especially one in which said people tend to forget that it's none of their business.

FitBy40 said...

I too have only told my husband, 2 best friends and sister. It's a little easier for me though because I don't live in my home state, and I don't work outside of the home.
Don't feel bad or guilty. This is such a personal journey and nobody needs to know. Good luck!

Lonicera said...

(Thank you for becoming a follower to my blog!).
It's terrible that people should make us feel guilty for having a lapband - like being an alcoholic on a desert island and on returning to civilisation being told you're not really a recovering alcoholic because you cheated... But as Tina says, you need to be able to conceal what you want to conceal - it is entirely your own business. I have to admit I'm getting a bit tired of people looking me up and down and saying "And? How are you getting on?" when progress is very slow...
Lots of luck to you.

kissmekoko said...

I did that at first, now that I have lost 116 pounds, I tell everyone. You will feel more comfortable about it later. Plus, Weight Watchers was so good for support, so enjoy it!


The Hungry Caterpillar said...

I totally know what you are going through!! Before getting the lapband I tried everything imaginable to lose weight. I ended up waiting 3 years before finally making my final decision to get the band after my co-worker got the band, and had amazing results. She was very open and told everyone in the office she was getting it. Some people were supportive and there were a few too many who were against it, and just didn't understand. Because people talk in the office, I already knew I didn't feel comfortable telling people I was going to get it as well. So my excuse for losing weight is that I'm just really taking advantage of the gym and personal trainer we have at work. No one knows that I have the band but my husband, sister, and 2 friends from work who I trust. When I felt like I needed support, I reached out to the blogging community for advice, resources and just reading everyone's experiences is so helpful. I haven't really felt like it was anyone business how I lost the weight, and like Mimi said above, maybe once we lose more weight and feel more comfortable, we'll tell more people, but for now, I'm with you and my band is my business, and I don't feel bad about it one bit :) Good Luck Friend!!

- Jess